journal

entry

OK.
So I had like.. five epiphanies rolled into one today.

Jeeeeez.

Warning: TL;DR ALERT

epiphany one
Well, I don't know if any of you know this, but I have always considered art school to be a waste of money. I mean, what if I don't want anything to do with art as a living?! What if I don't want to sell myself out to a corporate advertising whore?! I mean, I don't really care that much about money, but I do want to survive. So I always considered art out of the question as a career. I'd get bored; my muse was gone and I'd simply get bored of art and ruin it forever. And why waste money on something you'll get bored of?

Well, that's when something odd came about. You know how sometimes you just get a feeling like you have to do something? Well, that happened to me tonight. All of the sudden (actually, I'd been feeling hints of this for a few days because of something creative I've been cooking up, more on that later, but I didn't quote know what it was) I just felt this wave wash over me. A wave of realization, if you will.

I have to go to art school. I can't really explain why. I just have this feeling that I need to go to art school. Yes, writing is fine too - but why can't I do both? I already know how to write. There's not much that studying literature can teach me unless I want to be an English teacher (which is always a fallback, don't get me wrong) or have some sort of career in primarily lit. And why can't I be like Tony DiTerlizzi? He's an illustrator for children's novels. Immersing myself in literature would be equally enriching as writing it, for me, I've decided.

So, back to the topic at hand. I just feel like I'm meant to go to art school. This coincides with...

...epiphany two
I'm actually an ok artist.

Wow.

I can, like.. draw.

One thing about online art communities is that when there is have a high concentration of creative and talented people around one, it tends to make one feel less.. confident, you could say, in one's own abilities. The plain truth is, we at dA are artists. Well, for the most part. Well, sometimes.

But you get my point.

My point is, in case you don't get it, in the "real world" (as in not on the web - not art school but high school - at least my high school), there are not five *B1nd1's and seven `loish's everywhere as a frame of reference. There's just a little group of truly creative people (apart from the anime-drawing, bondage-wearing kids or the skinny jean-clad "artsy" folk) who do art for themselves.

And I realized that I'm among these.

And holy crap. I could even get a scholarship. Everyone says that (not trying to be egotistical, I swear), but I just thought that they were saying it 'cause they couldn't draw but I can. But then, you don't need to be a director to critique a movie..

..So maybe I do have talent?!

What the hell?!

And I know that once I get to art school, I'll be immersed in these talented people, but.. I'm there to learn, right?

This also fits in with...

...epiphany three
I have found my muse again.

Oh my goodness.

I'm in the middle of creating a city for my characters. Like Rtil/Ryan's Freetown or Zhicago/Ren's Ros City. Mine is called The Junction. I'd had a loose plan of the center of it floating in my brain while I was writing the first two chapters of a story I never finished, but never really thought about it. Then, I realized a couple days ago that I needed to pay more attention to Echo. Draw him more, NOT cracked out, mind you, like I usually do (I never post that stuff though, just sketches of the same thing), but.. having adventures. Interacting.

And thus The Junction was born unto paper!! There are five sectors: upper and lower east and west sides, and "the heart," or center. But more on that later when I finalize!!! The important thing is, the things I have been creating the past few days...

If you look in my early gallery (probably my scraps), my art was so full of life, so creative, so.. LOUD. I think I'll finally be able to achieve that again. But better, since I've improved greatly since then, if I do say so myself.

epiphany four
This one's a little personal. None of you really know (maybe one or two), but I used to be in an abusive-in-a-way-but-not-really relationship. What I mean by this is that I was not really abused emotionally, mentally, or physically, but my relationship with this person changed me for the worse. The way he treated me was not bad, per se.. it was just, he had implanted in my brain that I should not grow up. That he would provide for me and put me on a high pedestal, and I would sit and remain childlike forever. I would of course grow up, but with his help. I would grow up his way.

Of course, I eventually left this person for reasons I don't feel like going in to here, but that mentality lingered, in a different form. I developed an irrational fear of growing up, in a sense. I feared getting a job and going to college (not just laziness; I was scared shitless); I failed my driver's test on purpose. Things of that nature.

Tonight as I was getting home from the beach and the mall, it suddenly hit me. It went something like this.

"I'm going to be a senior."

"I'm going to be a senior."

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT I AM GOING TO COLLEGE OH GOD OH GOD OH SHIT OH FUCK."

"_{.....I'm going to be a senior.}"

"...cool."

Yeah. I just.. suddenly wasn't afraid anymore. At all. In the slightest.

I was excited.

And I still am, as I type this.

I'm excited to grow up.

Well, hot damn.

epiphany five
I've never really been religious, except for the God-fearing period everybody goes through when they're like ten.

But now I kind of realize that everything sort of fits together.

I don't really believe in a God, per se, but I do think that the world is alive and conscious and connected. God is in everything and everyone, I suppose. Some sort of hippy, powers-of-the-universe thing.

The point is, sometimes I pray. But it's more like wishing. So a couple nights ago, I wish-prayed. I didn't ask for a large sum of money, or an easy way out, like I normally would have. For some reason, the first thing that popped into my head was, "I wish I could have the courage to grow up and the motivation to make it happen."

And then somehow I found it, like, inside of me. It sounds hokey and weird, but I just feel this motivation to, like... be me and grow up. And it makes me so happy. I'm not gonna take it all at once. Not baby steps, but teenaged steps. Like me. Hahahah, I am too corny.

But yeah. I'm in a stable relationship, I have awesome friends (I <3 you ~high-lights!), my mom and I get along really well, I have a roof over my head.

Life's good.

commission information

click here --> [link]

to-do...
website stuff
job stuff
art school info/research scholarships
commissions

contact information
guilty scapegoat {aim)
reaper_cat_two_oh@hotmail.com {msn)
pizzacats@gmail.com {e-mail)
omgbbqroz {myspace)
Rosie Grossblatt {facebook)
omgwtfbbqroz {skype)
pizzacats {last.fm)
fallin_in_style {livejournal)


Rosie xoxo